Family conflict
- The facts
- What causes family conflict?
- How family conflict affects children
- What couples argue about
- How to avoid conflict
- How to resolve conflict
- Separation and divorce
- Maria's story
The facts
No parent wants their child to grow up in a family where there is conflict. Of course, conflict is an inevitable part of family life, but most families manage to resolve it well enough to keep the household ticking over fairly contentedly. Unresolved conflict can be very destructive for adults and children alike.
What causes family conflict?
There are many potential sources of conflict in family life. Major life events, such as a death in the family, moving house or a new baby, can trigger conflict as everyone tries to cope with and adapt to the change. Other factors such as tiredness, stress, lack of money, unemployment or illness can place extra pressures on families. New stepfamilies can also experience particular conflict as members negotiate their roles within their new family structure.
How family conflict affects children
Whether or not children are affected by family conflict depends on how often it happens, how serious it is and how well it is resolved. Where children see family conflict as a serious threat to themselves and their family, they can become anxious. They may blame themselves for the conflict and become withdrawn or depressed. Ongoing unresolved family conflict could result in long-term harm to a child's self-esteem.
What couples argue about
All couples argue, some more than others. Common causes of conflict include money, disciplining children, housework, sex and other family matters. There are also different styles of arguing: refusing to speak to your partner, for example, or constantly criticising what they do, can be just as harmful as shouting.
Sometimes conflict about everyday things such as money can mask deeper issues that go back to childhood. Perhaps your partner's free-and-easy way with money touches a nerve because your own parents found it hard to make ends meet, for example. When conflict becomes constant, it can be a sign of an underlying problem with a relationship.
How to avoid conflict
If conflict between you and your partner is disrupting family life.
- keep talking, however difficult this may be; while you are still talking, there is a chance that the conflict may be resolved
- listening is as important as talking; sometimes the real source of tension is only uncovered by listening to the other person, then letting them know what you understand them to be saying. They can then clarify, so that you both understand what the real problem is
- make time for yourselves as a couple; many couples get so busy with work or children that they forget to have fun and enjoy each other's company
- make time for yourself; feeling that you are only ever someone's parent or partner can leave you nursing resentments
How to resolve conflict
It's often not how much conflict you have in your family, but how you resolve it that is important. Children learn a great deal from seeing how conflict is handled between adults, so if you can resolve conflicts without temper tantrums and shouting, you will be teaching your children some valuable skills for later in their own lives. Here are some pointers for sorting out disagreements.
- Give each person a chance to say what they think and feel about the issue that is causing conflict and don't interrupt each other.
- Try to start sentences with the word "I" rather than "you" eg "I'm fed up with doing all the cleaning" rather than "You never do any cleaning".
- Avoid name-calling and personal attacks, these will only alienate people more.
- Ask everyone to say clearly what they want to happen next (including you).
- Work together to find a compromise that keeps, if not everyone, most of you happy.
Separation and divorce
In the UK, forty percent of marriages now end in divorce, and many more children are affected by relationships splitting apart. If conflict between you and your partner reaches a point where you are considering a divorce or separation, it's important to be honest with your children about what is going on. Try to keep a united front as parents and don't ask children to take sides. Seek help and support from family and friends early on - they will be an important source of stability for your children as your family goes through this big change.
Maria's story
Maria is mum to Emily, six, and Loukas, three
"My husband Andrew and I didn't really argue much until Emily was born. It quickly became clear that we had very different ideas about parenting. Andrew was much more anxious about her safety than me and sometimes I began to feel he was accusing me of being a poor mother. As Emily grew older, I also believed he was too controlling of her. Persistent criticism led to increased tension at home. In the end, we went on a parenting course, which helped us a lot. We've learnt how to communicate better with each other, and also with Emily. We try to see the other's point of view more now and that has definitely improved our relationship."