Confidence
- The facts
- What is self-confidence?
- Gaining confidence in being heard
- Making friends
- Feeling comfortable with yourself
- Fayola's story
The facts
No one is born confident - confidence is always learned. Babies and young children learn confidence through the knowledge that they are loved and wanted: it makes them feel that they have a place in the world, that they're appreciated for who they are. And it's just the same for the rest of us: to be truly confident, we need to know we're valued, understood and liked for who we are.
But no-one is so confident that they can sail through everything in life without sometimes feeling a bit scared and intimidated. You're not the only one who's sometimes anxious about putting up your hand at school, saying something in front of other people, or talking to someone you haven't approached before. Questioning our abilities and ourselves is part of what makes us human.
What is self-confidence?
Self-confidence is the little voice inside yourself that tells you that you're okay, that you're a good person and that you can cope with what's coming your way today. Self-confidence is the knowledge that you're a person who is lovable and cherished by the people you are closest to, and that's because you're someone with gifts and strengths and talents.
Here's a quick technique to help you pep up your self-confidence. Get a piece of paper and write down all the things you're proud of having done today, this week, this school year. You could write a bigger list of the things you're proud of doing in your life up to now. Don't be modest: this is a private list and it's not about showing off, it's about being honest with yourself. You'll be surprised at how long it is, and you'll also feel good inside when you read it through and realise how much good you've done in the world already. If you can do all that now, think about how much more you've got to offer in life as you get older.
Gaining confidence in being heard
It's a good quality to be a good listener and not talking all the time, but it's important not to be so quiet that your voice is never heard. Of course, getting your voice heard may need a bit of practice. Here are some tips both for the classroom and when you're with other young people you meet and want to strike up a conversation with.
- Give yourself a target number of times you'll put your hand up in a lesson - it might be one, two or even three, depending on how brave you feel. Perhaps start with the lessons that you are most at ease with. Getting used to the sound of your own voice asking questions in class helps you feel less anxious about doing it.
- Practise things you might say in class, or in a group, or to individual people you haven't met before. You can say them out loud in your bedroom at night. Or practise saying them to your mum or dad as a kind of role play. It might sound strange, but it really does help. For example, you could practise complimenting people or asking about their weekend.
Making friends
Some people make friends very easily and others have to work harder at it. But when you get down to it, there are a few golden rules to making and keeping friends - and if you stick to them, they may work for you.
- Smile and be nice to people. Say hello to them. Be open and friendly and approachable.
- Don't show off or hog the limelight or try to outdo other people all the time.
- Be ready to listen as well as to talk and share your own feelings. Listening to other people shows you're interested in them and what they're saying. Ask lots of questions. But remember you have to share your thoughts, too - things you really feel, not just what you think other people want to hear.
- Be positive. Don't complain all the time. There are two sorts of people in the world: those who see the best in a situation, and those who see the worst in it. Try to be one of the first sort.
Feeling comfortable with yourself
Everyone has times when they don't feel particularly comfortable with themselves, but if you work on your areas of weakness and think about what you can be proud of, you'll become more comfortable with yourself. Walking tall, not slouching and being purposeful helps too. Body language is important in that it affects both how you feel about yourself and how others see you: so pull back those shoulders and look people in the eye!
One of the best things about being friendly to other people and feeling good about yourself is that you'll find those good feelings being reflected back at you. Friends really do 'catch' your mood.
Fayola's story
Fayola, 12, was in her third term at secondary school and, though she was happy there, still hadn't made any close friends. "I knew this girl I thought I'd get on really well with, but I could see she already had a best friend from her old school," she says. "I was really nervous of talking to her because I was worried her friend would think I was trying to muscle in on their friendship. But my mum encouraged me to talk to this girl and her friend together - she said they might both be my friends. I went up to them when we were on a school visit and we had lunch together. Now we're all friends, and another girl has become a good friend of ours too. It's made me realise that most friendly people have more than one friend, so you shouldn't be scared of talking to someone just because they've got someone else."