Helping your child with anger outbursts

Are my child’s anger issues normal?

Like all your emotions, anger is normal. It helps you know when you’ve been hurt by something. It can also show you that you may need to make changes to deal with the situations that are affecting you.

You might feel anger if you are frustrated, feel powerless, lied to, or when you feel you’ve been treated unfairly. The same applies to your child. So most of the time if your child is angry, there could be a real reason behind it. But if your child’s anger is getting out of control and becoming harmful to themselves and others, there are ways to help your child manage it.

This is important because if you don’t address frequent, or excessive anger, it can lead to problems such as aggressive or violent behaviour. Approaching issues early and, where appropriate, combining this with family support can help children to manage their emotions and behaviours in healthier ways.

What can cause anger issues in children?

It’s natural to be upset and to want to understand why your child is angry. There can be a variety of reasons and triggers that can be different for everyone.

Some of the situations that can trigger anger in children include:

• problems at home – such as seeing other family members arguing
• falling out with a friend at school
• being bullied
• losing someone close to them
• having a mental health condition
• low confidence
• poor body image

What are the signs of anger in your child?

Some of the signs that your child might need some help and support with their anger include the following behaviours. Some might be obvious and easily recognisable as aggressive behaviour – such as:

• shouting at you or other people
• breaking things
• hitting you or other people

Other expressions of anger can look a little different to what you might expect. For example, your child may show anger by:

• ignoring you or other people
• not talking to you or others
• not wanting to go to school
• communicating using sarcastic language
• getting upset over small things

Or you might be seeing signs that your child is turning their anger on themselves. They might be withdrawn, denying themselves nice things, or even engaging in risk taking behaviours such as self-harm.

Remember while your child is showing anger, on the inside they may be feeling worried, ashamed, hurt, or lonely.

What does anger feel like?

Trying to understand what your child feels when they become angry is important. Anger can create a mix of physical and emotional responses which can feel intense for children. When someone starts to feel angry, they might notice:

• their heartbeat speeding up
• sweating or feeling restless
• clenching their fists or jaws
• their body becoming very tense, or even shaking

These feelings can happen quickly and may be overwhelming, especially for children who struggle to recognise early signs of anger. Learning to identify these changes can help you support them before their emotional state escalates. If you’ve observed any of these signs, your child may need additional support.

If you’re concerned that your child might be harming themselves, we recommend that you contact your GP for advice. If you believe they are at immediate risk or their safety is in danger, call 999 to discuss concerns further.

How do you support a child with anger problems?

It’s important that your child feels supported when dealing with their anger. By working together, you can help your child understand that anger is the problem – not them. Here are four techniques that can help.

1. Be there for them and give them space.

Staying with your child can restore a sense of safety when they are distressed. You’ll show your child that they are not alone. By doing this you can also support your child to use positive self-soothing techniques to help reduce feelings of frustration and anger.

If your child prefers to have some space, give them time and space to calm down and check in afterwards.

2. Stay calm and in control.

When your child shows signs of anger, they need to know that you understand how distressed they are. And if you can, find out the main cause of what’s upsetting them. When your child expresses anger, take a calm approach in helping them regain control over their feelings. By encouraging your child to sit down and talk to you, you’ll help them to see that you are there to listen and provide support in helping them work through their distress in a safer way.

3. Plan ahead for challenges.

Planning ahead can help to reduce challenging situations which may have caused anger in your child before. By spotting past situations that upset your child, you can get ready to handle them better next time.

An example is asking your child to stop an activity because you need to go out. By saying “In 15 minutes we will be going to the shops, so you will need to stop what you’re doing at this time” will let your child know what’s expected of them. You could use a timer so that your child can visually see when they need to stop an activity or give them reminders. Giving clear instructions can help them feel more in control and stay calmer.

4. Give your child praise.

Praising your child is a vital part in the development of your child’s confidence and self-esteem. Remember that the quality of the praise is much more powerful to your child than the quantity. Praise them for good behaviour whenever you can. For example, say: “You have done such a good job in putting your toy’s away, well done”. And you could also give them a reward, for example a sticker.

How can you help reduce anger in young children?

Self-soothing techniques are effective in helping reduce anger in young children. The following techniques can be used both inside and outside of the family home.

Make a self-soothe box

Work together with your child to make a ‘self-soothe box’. A self-soothe box is a box made with items that your child can turn to at times of distress. Include items that your child likes and they can use to soothe them during times of increased emotion. Some examples may include colouring books, jigsaws, pictures of things which interest them, fidget toys, comforting toys or smells.

Use a worry jar

A worry jar can support younger children to manage their worries in a productive way. Make time in the day to talk about any worries that you have noticed in your child. This can encourage them to talk about worry in an open and honest way. Write the worry down and place it in a jar. Tell your child that now it’s in the jar, the worry has now been dealt with; it’s out of your child’s head and will stay in the jar.

Similar to this, are ‘worry monsters’ in which you encourage your child to let the monster eat the worry and get rid of it.

It might also help to make a positive box as well. Your child could add things they feel good about such as a game they like. Or they could add things they have achieved. If it was something connected to a worry, your child could also remove it from the worry jar.

Keep a diary

A useful way to learn about your child’s behaviours is to keep a diary of any outbursts. Record times and dates, what happened before and after the outburst, what worked well and what didn’t work well in trying to calm your child.

This is a way to learn about the circumstances that led up to the angry outburst. It can help to identify any triggers or patterns in behaviours, which may help you to prevent or manage future outbursts.