Being neurodivergent: my story
Throughout my life, right from being very small, I’ve always known that there was something different about me that I couldn’t put my finger on. Some of my earliest memories are a strange sense of self – I felt a bit like an alien looking through different eyes to everyone else.
I couldn’t understand why people wanted me to look at them directly. I didn’t understand why other kids were mean to me when I just wanted to join in with what they were doing. I thought it was normal to do things like read the dictionary for fun. Others disagreed!
Navigating my school years
Hitting my teens was very difficult. There seemed to be so many unwritten social rules that not only did I not understand, I wasn’t actually aware of them. I knew that I was bright. I taught myself to read at age 3 and read voraciously, but I found focusing on schoolwork really difficult.
Back in the day (I’m talking the early 80s, here) there was no focus on whether what was being taught was engaging in any way. You just had to learn it. We were given textbooks and had a plethora of dates, facts, and other dry material to learn.
I was bullied horrendously throughout school because I was classed as “weird”. I was child number six out of seven kids, and there wasn’t a lot of money floating about. So, I had clothes and shoes that were “built to last”. In fact, my last school skirt lasted so long that it was still too big for me when I left school at age 16!
Two subjects were different though. English, because I loved creative writing and my stories were great. And Art, as this was the only lesson where I could feel free to be myself and express myself. This is something I still do today because it’s so calming.
Climbing the career ladder
Moving on to my work life, I was good at the jobs I did. I learned quickly because I was able to do those jobs in the way I needed, but I always struggled to climb the ladder. And I struggled with organisation, so I’d be found with piles of paperwork everywhere on my desk (thank goodness for computers and online calendars now!).
Socially, in and out of work, I still struggled. I had a couple of close friends who were fellow ‘weirdos’, but beyond that I was still subjected to bullying and failing to climb the ladder.
For years and years, I just thought I was lazy and ridiculous. I lacked confidence in my abilities and had very low self-esteem. I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression for pretty much my whole life, I just didn’t realise that everyone didn’t feel like that all the time.
And then came the revelation…
As general awareness of autism grew, my son decided, at the age of 26, to be assessed for autism and was diagnosed with it. All four of my kids were saying to me “Mum, that’s you, you do that,” so I decided it was time to investigate it.
In particular, perimenopause really made the wheels fall off for me, and the traits were enhanced alongside all the lovely things that come with perimenopause. For a short period, I actually thought I was losing the plot completely.
Aged 50, I was diagnosed with level 1 autism. This would previously have been diagnosed as Asperger Syndrome before the name was changed. Oh my word! I’m not rubbish, I’m not weird, there’s a reason why I find life so hard!
In fact, I’m doing really well at life despite my difficulties. I’ve successfully raised three sons and a daughter, who are all neurodivergent – one older son and a set of triplets. I’ve consistently been in work doing various things and I’ve found things that I’m good at.
Autism didn’t answer all my questions, though. Two years later, I was assessed for ADHD and the final puzzle piece fell into place. Medication for my ADHD means that my brain is finally not full of permanent negative chatter, and I have a very good sense of self.
Hormone replacement therapy has helped enormously, and I control my anxiety, rather than it being the other way round.
After diagnosis
I’m now 54, and probably feeling the best mentally I ever have. My mask is firmly off and I’m happy being authentically me. I’ve found the things that I’m good at and know the areas I need support in, and that’s in place in and out of work. Part of the work aspect is from joining, then becoming, Co-lead for the Neurodiversity Community at Bupa.
I learn something new every single day and I’m proud to be part of this community, raising awareness and acceptance. I consider it a privilege to be able to support my fellow neurodivergent colleagues, using my own life experience and growing knowledge. It’s also wonderful to get the “you do that too??!!” comments when you mention your little quirks!
If any of the above sounds familiar to you, it may be worth investigating and doing some research. If you suspect that you may be neurodivergent, a GP would be your first port of call. My diagnoses have been truly life-changing for me.
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