Joshua Fletcher talks about anxiety in men
Anxiety is a common mental health problem in men. Here I talk to anxiety expert and best-selling author, Joshua Fletcher, also known as Anxiety Josh, about his personal experience of anxiety. He also shares his tips for managing anxiety, and why speaking up about men’s mental health matters. Read on or watch this video to find out more.
I'm Joshua Fletcher, and I'm a psychotherapist and author who specializes in anxiety. I think the reason why some people withhold their emotions this applies to men and women, but mostly in men, in my opinion, is this whole concept of emotional conservatism. We're emotionally conservative when we Revere the hiding of our emotions. I used to do this when I was younger.
So as of recent, the Mental Health Foundation reported that 30% of men have reported high levels of anxiety. I'm no stranger to anxiety. I became a therapist because I struggled a lot with anxiety in my young 20s. I was diagnosed with panic disorder, which is having lots of panic attacks and building my life around trying not to have them.
It's diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder, which doesn't mean I'm tidy. It means I struggle with intrusive thoughts and compulsions that were really debilitating. Understanding what type of anxiety, you have is really important, in my opinion, to to be able to address it. And having that self-compassion, to be open and vulnerable and willing to talk about it is a great first step.
Can you tell me about your experience with anxiety?
I've always been a worrier, worried as a kid, but I wouldn't say I was a very anxious kid. But in my early 20s, when I was having a very stressful time, the anxiety started to flare up. I then developed an anxiety disorder.
I remember the very moment I had an anxiety disorder. It was when I was at work one day. I was making a cup of tea, and then I looked up after dropping the spoon and I experienced something called dissociation. This is when someone feels disconnected from themselves. It’s also known as derealization or depersonalization, and it frightened me. I thought I was going crazy.
And then I had a panic attack. I'd never had a panic attack in my life, and my heart started racing. I didn't know what was up with me. I thought I'd broken my brain, and that something really bad was happening.
So I developed panic disorder and agoraphobia, where I didn't leave the house.
I've been to the bottom with anxiety and now I use it to help educate others.
Why do you feel it’s important to talk about men’s mental health?
I think it's important to model to other men that you can still live a content, happy life after speaking up about struggles and vulnerabilities.
Anxiety or any mental health issue doesn't get better when you hide it. I know that both personally and as a therapist. I think it's important that we talk about it in a way that appeals to men as well. For example,
I'm not going to turn up to my mate's birthday and start crying over his birthday cake. I want to talk about it in a way that men can relate to, and perhaps speak to their loved ones about. I think the more men you see modelling it, the more likely you are to see that modelling creep into everyday lives.
Is there an issue with men not talking about their mental health?
Yes, absolutely. When we're depressed, a lot of what comes out of depression is this internal bully that drives anxiety. So, depression is often an inner critic that says you're not good enough. It then falsely compares you to ideals of other people around you, no matter where you are.
For example, if you're in a running club and you're not feeling great about yourself, your depression will put the people around you on a pedestal and use that to beat you. These thoughts are not rational but can fuel anxiety.
In your experience, what causes anxiety for men?
I think causes of anxiety are different to everyone. I often see anxiety caused by a build-up of stress and cultural and societal expectations about the role of a man.
Identity and esteem can also play a big part. Maybe you're constantly having a go at yourself for not hitting certain milestones in life. Whether it’s related to living in a certain place or earning an amount of money, all of this builds up.
The threat response in our brain, which is the oldest but not the smartest part of our brain, doesn’t understand that stress. So it signals to you when you're already stressed that this isn't sustainable. You might then wake up with a feeling of doom and a pounding chest. You will also be constantly overthinking things because that threat response is trying to find the solution.
How do men with anxiety act?
You’ve got to look at the main ways people respond to stress. For a lot of men the response can appear as ‘fight’ (actively facing danger) or irritation. For me it was a ‘flight’ (get away) response. I wanted to run away, avoid others, and go to a safe place mentally and physically. This can lead to cancelling plans and isolation. But everybody is different and your anxiety can come out in all of these ways.
Do men’s anxieties change as they get older?
Well, it depends. Of course, there's different anxieties you get when you get older. But for some men, particularly from an older generation, they can be more emotionally conservative, and carry unaddressed issues.
I always use the stress jug analogy. If you've never processed and talked about or dealt with an issue that's in your stress jug, it doesn't leave, and a lot of men don’t talk. A lot of emotionally conservative men may feel shame. They'll speak to me and say: ‘Oh, it happened 20 years ago, I'm not bothered’.
Do you think social media plays a part in younger men's anxiety?
It depends on what you're following. Social media is a double-edged sword. Lots of people like to demonise it and lots of people like to celebrate it. So when you're looking at mental health accounts or what your social feed is showing you, it can be validating. But you can also be drawn to stuff that's not helping you. This can lead to unhealthy comparisons which can cause anxiety.
I've crafted my algorithm now, so I only see stuff on social media that I think is helpful. But for a lot of people, it's just pumped out to them. Is your feed healthy? Ask yourself that.
What advice would you give others dealing with anxiety?
Show compassion, empathy, and belief - not pity. No one wants to be pitied.
Secondly, encourage people to remember that they are stronger than they think. Anxiety makes you feel weak and vulnerable. But consider that you have endured everything that life has thrown at you up until this very moment. I think that needs to be reflected on because that's a fact.
Any final thoughts on men's health and anxiety?
I just think if you're anxious, anxiety is literally fear. It doesn't matter where the fear is triggered.
If you're anxious at work or walking down the street or going to a social gathering, that's the same physiologically as someone jumping out of a plane. It's the same fear response.
And if you're choosing to do that anyway, you're facing fear, and that's literally courage and bravery. Remind yourself of that and go easy on yourself.
If you’re worried about your mental health, our direct access service aims to provide you with the advice, support and treatment you need as quickly as possible. You’ll be able to get mental health advice and support usually without the need for a GP referral. Learn more today.
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